Sober People vs. Prim and Proper People

 I am 94 days sober and I am still trying to work some things out.  One of the things I am still trying to work out is whether being sober after over-indulging for years is fundamentally different than just always having been sober  - meaning am I now one of those people that I used find boring, judgmental, uptight, unfun [insert whatever word you want here because I think most drinkers will find that at least some of the adjectives is one they have thought themselves] or am I different?  Is my sobriety richer and fuller than the type that those people have had all along?  Or are we really the same now and I've just come around to their point of view?

I should pause here to clarify that I in no way find or found all sober people to be boring, judgmental, uptight, unfun, etc.  Some of my dearest friends were pretty much sober people and were more interesting and fun than a lot of people I know, but I'm not talking about those people.  I'm talking about the other kind, the prim and proper kind.  But you know, as I write this I realize that maybe the question, no the whole idea behind the question is wrong.  

Drinking vs. not-drinking are probably not a good way to categorize people in the first place.  And a sign of the importance I gave alcohol in my life.  I mean after all, there are prim and proper boring sober people and prim and proper boring drunk people too, although granted probably less.  It is not drinking or the recklessness that goes with it that makes people interesting or fun.  For me, it just made them familiar and thus more likable, more comfortable.  Like most people I am most comfortable with people who are like me, who I understand and can empathize with.  I suppose I don't want to leave those people behind, but I also want to expand my acquaintance with other fun people, the interesting people, the people I like, and those people don't have to drink.  They may, but they may not. 

Day 94 and Things Are Looking Up

 Today was Easter and I had a really good day.  Yesterday too.  Whatever horrendous doldrums had taken hold of me at day 90 seems to be passing and I am really happy to be not drinking now.  I felt strong and content as I stayed up late making Easter baskets and preparing a bunny cake.  I had fun this morning and had lots of energy to do an egg hunt, host my father and his wife, jump on the trampoline, cook a giant breakfast and (gasp!) clean it up because I was not all drowsy from drinking mimosas or if at night wine.  So while it was hard not to drink after a long day in Orlando, it feels good not to drink right here, right now.  I do have a question though which I will post in a new blog post...

K

Day 91

Yesterday was day 91 and it was easier than 90.  I took a nice walk and observed the buds.  I tried to take a bath and I had fun with my kids in front of the fire.  I did not really have the urge to drink at all.

One thing I have noticed is that I am having trouble with anxiety without the booze to escape thinking about things that make me anxious.  While the things I think about are not horrendous problems (my 10-year old son's two best friends have excluded him and shut him out and are being a bit jerky and some clients at work are more trouble than is good, my boss seems annoyed with me, etc., I just don't deal with them well.  I don't know how, but I guess I need to learn.  

I want to resolve to just keep putting positive things out there and hope that they come back to me and I will go stronger and surer as time passes.

K

I am 90 days alcohol free today (dry June did not work out).  It is the first time probably since high school (I'm 47 so that is really saying something).  Why am I feeling just so down and blah today then?  Don't get me wrong, I am happy that I have made it so far and I'd like to further.  I have in fact committed to 100 days, which falls on April 10, 2021.  After that, we'll see.

I just thought I'd feel better by now.  Lighter, brighter, floating around happily, channeling all of the energy of the universe that I have failed to tap into while sipping wine in my living room, kitchen, yard, on the beach, at a restaurant, on a boat, and pretty much anywhere else you can imagine.

What I do have:  clarity, about 6 less pounds, an excellent 10,000 step/day track record and a newly acquired (and used!) Peloton, a better and closer relationship with my 10 year old and 4 year old, more confidence at work and in general.  

Being sober however has also made me take a hard look at a lot of bad decisions and missed opportunities.  It has made me view myself in a harsher and less flattering light.  I think I actually feel like I look uglier even physically.  I think I am applying a sober scrutiny to everything and I don't like what I see and how I feel.

Today in particular, I just feel depressed and anxious.  This is so disappointing because I thought it was supposed to get easier now, but it feels like its getting harder.  I hope that I will snap out of this as being in such a funk is just not me (even over, and maybe especially over the past 90 days). 

I started this blog though in the hope that I can record what happens now.  What happens when you get through the first 90 days and start on the rest of your life.  I would love to hear about other people's experiences if anyone ever reads this.  

-K

Dry June -- Dry January turned into a drizzly then rainy spring - Now it's dry June!

So I'm back to it.  It's June 10, and a new day 10 for me.  I kept alcohol free for 44 days at the beginning of this year, from January 1 to February 13.  I remember the date exactly because February 13 was the day I left with my husband for a trip (no kids) to a posh resort in Jamaica for his 50th birthday.  I remember not even really wanting to drink, but feeling like I had committed only to 30 days, it was now 44 and my husband wanted to kick back with some cocktails and sunshine.  (I should mention he did dry January with me but stopped at the end of January.)

I remember almost being nervous to drink, I did not get a drink on the plane even though we were in first class, I waited until we were at the airport where there was a lounge with, of course, free drinks.  The trip was fine, though we were definitely hungover a few days, which was not great.   And I modified for a while when we came back.  But as things go, slowly, slowly, they began to slip.  First there was COVID-19 and then I thought some kid was bullying my son at the park across the street from my house and apparently saw me all grubby and weeding and called me a fat, ugly, gay-ass ho to my son. This upset me probably disproportionately so, and worried me (will he be harassed, how can I oversee a park, will he be afraid to go there) which I used an excuse to drink more also.  Anyway, but May I felt ugly and sad about my drinking again.  While it had not returned to pre-January levels, I could see that is where it was headed.  So, dry June!

Dry June may be forever, but then again maybe it will not be.  But I want to recreate what I had in January, dry out, and assess then whether its time to say goodbye to alcohol for good. 

Right now though, Day 10 is hard, I'm restless and anxious and not sleeping that well.  Rather, not falling asleep that well.  I suppose its no wonder what with everything going on in the world right now with COVID, and George Floyd, and massive unrest.  But wine doesn't help with anything related to these events or my processing of them.  So onward (and upward) I hope!

Day 31

I have been neglecting this blog a little as I have been so active on the The Alcohol Experiment facebook group.  That said, I posted the following there today:

"So I am at 31 days, and to my surprise I feel like its been getting harder the past few days. I have phantom hangovers, and even got the night sweats last night for the first time in 3 weeks. I went from having awesome sober energy and zip, to feeling like I am in a fog and sleep deprived. What gives? Has anyone else experienced this in this timeframe? I'm not ready to stop the experiment yet, but I really want that good feeling back! Just feeling so blah the past few days."

I have been feeling tired, foggy and out of shape the past few days but am hoping to get past and move forward!  Must stay strong.  Some have suggests its PAWS and this is likely too.  Hanging in there.  Feeling tired, but not defeated.  Just wishing I was skinnier and had more energy.  I feel stalled.  Maybe I stay here for a bit and just focus on not drinking and eating healthy...

Day 28

Still going strong! Loving and wondering about the future when 30 days is over.  Think I will go to at least 44 days since that coincides with leaving on a trip to Jamaica.  Will decide about Jamaica, in Jamaica.