Sober People vs. Prim and Proper People

 I am 94 days sober and I am still trying to work some things out.  One of the things I am still trying to work out is whether being sober after over-indulging for years is fundamentally different than just always having been sober  - meaning am I now one of those people that I used find boring, judgmental, uptight, unfun [insert whatever word you want here because I think most drinkers will find that at least some of the adjectives is one they have thought themselves] or am I different?  Is my sobriety richer and fuller than the type that those people have had all along?  Or are we really the same now and I've just come around to their point of view?

I should pause here to clarify that I in no way find or found all sober people to be boring, judgmental, uptight, unfun, etc.  Some of my dearest friends were pretty much sober people and were more interesting and fun than a lot of people I know, but I'm not talking about those people.  I'm talking about the other kind, the prim and proper kind.  But you know, as I write this I realize that maybe the question, no the whole idea behind the question is wrong.  

Drinking vs. not-drinking are probably not a good way to categorize people in the first place.  And a sign of the importance I gave alcohol in my life.  I mean after all, there are prim and proper boring sober people and prim and proper boring drunk people too, although granted probably less.  It is not drinking or the recklessness that goes with it that makes people interesting or fun.  For me, it just made them familiar and thus more likable, more comfortable.  Like most people I am most comfortable with people who are like me, who I understand and can empathize with.  I suppose I don't want to leave those people behind, but I also want to expand my acquaintance with other fun people, the interesting people, the people I like, and those people don't have to drink.  They may, but they may not. 

Day 94 and Things Are Looking Up

 Today was Easter and I had a really good day.  Yesterday too.  Whatever horrendous doldrums had taken hold of me at day 90 seems to be passing and I am really happy to be not drinking now.  I felt strong and content as I stayed up late making Easter baskets and preparing a bunny cake.  I had fun this morning and had lots of energy to do an egg hunt, host my father and his wife, jump on the trampoline, cook a giant breakfast and (gasp!) clean it up because I was not all drowsy from drinking mimosas or if at night wine.  So while it was hard not to drink after a long day in Orlando, it feels good not to drink right here, right now.  I do have a question though which I will post in a new blog post...

K

Day 91

Yesterday was day 91 and it was easier than 90.  I took a nice walk and observed the buds.  I tried to take a bath and I had fun with my kids in front of the fire.  I did not really have the urge to drink at all.

One thing I have noticed is that I am having trouble with anxiety without the booze to escape thinking about things that make me anxious.  While the things I think about are not horrendous problems (my 10-year old son's two best friends have excluded him and shut him out and are being a bit jerky and some clients at work are more trouble than is good, my boss seems annoyed with me, etc., I just don't deal with them well.  I don't know how, but I guess I need to learn.  

I want to resolve to just keep putting positive things out there and hope that they come back to me and I will go stronger and surer as time passes.

K

I am 90 days alcohol free today (dry June did not work out).  It is the first time probably since high school (I'm 47 so that is really saying something).  Why am I feeling just so down and blah today then?  Don't get me wrong, I am happy that I have made it so far and I'd like to further.  I have in fact committed to 100 days, which falls on April 10, 2021.  After that, we'll see.

I just thought I'd feel better by now.  Lighter, brighter, floating around happily, channeling all of the energy of the universe that I have failed to tap into while sipping wine in my living room, kitchen, yard, on the beach, at a restaurant, on a boat, and pretty much anywhere else you can imagine.

What I do have:  clarity, about 6 less pounds, an excellent 10,000 step/day track record and a newly acquired (and used!) Peloton, a better and closer relationship with my 10 year old and 4 year old, more confidence at work and in general.  

Being sober however has also made me take a hard look at a lot of bad decisions and missed opportunities.  It has made me view myself in a harsher and less flattering light.  I think I actually feel like I look uglier even physically.  I think I am applying a sober scrutiny to everything and I don't like what I see and how I feel.

Today in particular, I just feel depressed and anxious.  This is so disappointing because I thought it was supposed to get easier now, but it feels like its getting harder.  I hope that I will snap out of this as being in such a funk is just not me (even over, and maybe especially over the past 90 days). 

I started this blog though in the hope that I can record what happens now.  What happens when you get through the first 90 days and start on the rest of your life.  I would love to hear about other people's experiences if anyone ever reads this.  

-K