I am 90 days alcohol free today (dry June did not work out).  It is the first time probably since high school (I'm 47 so that is really saying something).  Why am I feeling just so down and blah today then?  Don't get me wrong, I am happy that I have made it so far and I'd like to further.  I have in fact committed to 100 days, which falls on April 10, 2021.  After that, we'll see.

I just thought I'd feel better by now.  Lighter, brighter, floating around happily, channeling all of the energy of the universe that I have failed to tap into while sipping wine in my living room, kitchen, yard, on the beach, at a restaurant, on a boat, and pretty much anywhere else you can imagine.

What I do have:  clarity, about 6 less pounds, an excellent 10,000 step/day track record and a newly acquired (and used!) Peloton, a better and closer relationship with my 10 year old and 4 year old, more confidence at work and in general.  

Being sober however has also made me take a hard look at a lot of bad decisions and missed opportunities.  It has made me view myself in a harsher and less flattering light.  I think I actually feel like I look uglier even physically.  I think I am applying a sober scrutiny to everything and I don't like what I see and how I feel.

Today in particular, I just feel depressed and anxious.  This is so disappointing because I thought it was supposed to get easier now, but it feels like its getting harder.  I hope that I will snap out of this as being in such a funk is just not me (even over, and maybe especially over the past 90 days). 

I started this blog though in the hope that I can record what happens now.  What happens when you get through the first 90 days and start on the rest of your life.  I would love to hear about other people's experiences if anyone ever reads this.  

-K