Wednesday, June 10, 2020

Dry June -- Dry January turned into a drizzly then rainy spring - Now it's dry June!

So I'm back to it.  It's June 10, and a new day 10 for me.  I kept alcohol free for 44 days at the beginning of this year, from January 1 to February 13.  I remember the date exactly because February 13 was the day I left with my husband for a trip (no kids) to a posh resort in Jamaica for his 50th birthday.  I remember not even really wanting to drink, but feeling like I had committed only to 30 days, it was now 44 and my husband wanted to kick back with some cocktails and sunshine.  (I should mention he did dry January with me but stopped at the end of February.)

I remember almost being nervous to drink, I did not get a drink on the plane even though we were in first class, I waited until we were at the airport where there was a lounge with, of course, free drinks.  The trip was fine, though we were definitely hungover a few days, which was not great.   And I modified for a while when we came back.  But as things go, slowly, slowly, they began to slip.  First there was COVID-19 and then I thought some kid was bullying my son at the park across the street from my house and apparently saw me all grubby and weeding and called me a fat, ugly, gay-ass ho to my son. This upset me probably disproportionately so, and worried me (will he be harassed, how can I oversee a park, will he be afraid to go there) which I used an excuse to drink more also.  Anyway, but May I felt ugly and sad about my drinking again.  While it had not returned to pre-January levels, I could see that is where it was headed.  So, dry June!

Dry June may be forever, but then again maybe it will not be.  But I want to recreate what I had in January, dry out, and assess then whether its time to say goodbye to alcohol for good. 

Right now though, Day 10 is hard, I'm restless and anxious and not sleeping that well.  Rather, not falling asleep that well.  I suppose its no wonder what with everything going on in the world right now with COVID, and George Floyd, and massive unrest.  But wine doesn't help with anything related to these events or my processing of them.  So onward (and upward) I hope!

Friday, January 31, 2020

Day 31

I have been neglecting this blog a little as I have been so active on the The Alcohol Experiment facebook group.  That said, I posted the following there today:

"So I am at 31 days, and to my surprise I feel like its been getting harder the past few days. I have phantom hangovers, and even got the night sweats last night for the first time in 3 weeks. I went from having awesome sober energy and zip, to feeling like I am in a fog and sleep deprived. What gives? Has anyone else experienced this in this timeframe? I'm not ready to stop the experiment yet, but I really want that good feeling back! Just feeling so blah the past few days."

I have been feeling tired, foggy and out of shape the past few days but am hoping to get past and move forward!  Must stay strong.  Some have suggests its PAWS and this is likely too.  Hanging in there.  Feeling tired, but not defeated.  Just wishing I was skinnier and had more energy.  I feel stalled.  Maybe I stay here for a bit and just focus on not drinking and eating healthy...

Tuesday, January 28, 2020

Day 28

Still going strong! Loving and wondering about the future when 30 days is over.  Think I will go to at least 44 days since that coincides with leaving on a trip to Jamaica.  Will decide about Jamaica, in Jamaica.

Wednesday, January 22, 2020

Days 18-22

I am still with it, and doing great.  One thing not drinking has not freed up quite as much as I had hoped is more time.  though it has definitely freed up some!  I am overall feeling good and am actually getting a little worried about the end of the 30 days.  I don't want to go back to drinking, but I don't want to not drink ever again either.   I feel good now, and ultimately, the choices are easy -- I am  doing a dry January.  But what about vacations?  Lunch with my boss?  Friday nights with a girlfriend on the porch.  Happy hour?  Boating?  Etc., etc. etc.   I guess I don't need to overwhelm myself with that now.  I should remember this.  I am happy now.  I am very pleased with how my life is going and how I am feeling even though I am getting a cold sore and have a big presentation tomorrow and have stress and am tired.  I don't crave wine on an ordinary night at home already, and I LOVE THAT.  THAT MUST BE RETAINED at all costs even if it means never drinking again ( but I hope it doesn't).  That is all for now.  Tired, sleepy.

Friday, January 17, 2020

Dry January Days 16 and 17

Today has been a bit harder, and yesterday also.  There was never really a risk of me drinking but I can already feel myself rationalizing about how long I should do this dry January past January.

Like it (Al Cohol) is already trying to plant the seed of drinking again.  I realize what I need to do is make a list of all of the bad memories and thoughts I've had about alcohol.

How sadly true it is that almost all recreational activities just become about alcohol;
How you don't really even enjoy it after the first 30 minutes;
How just bone tired I felt, like I didn't even know how I was going to walk from the ferry to my car for the whole winter because it was just so awful and exhausting in the dark and the cold.  (I mean now its no bowl of cherries, but I just do it, it doesn't feel so exhausting and overwhelming);
The way I now find these spontaneous moments of joy joking with my kids;
The way I have the secret little well of confidence I am drawing on because I know I am fully myself and not trying to hide how much alcohol I drink or even just would want to drink, and I won't do anything stupid because I'm drinking.
The way I've not truly enjoyed and spent the time I should and kept all of my promises (no matter how small) to my 9-year old son;
The way I used to be proud when I didn't get tripped up on the words when I read my kids stories before bed because I was so buzzed.
 The way I've not pursued any interests after work;
All the wasted days so hungover that I just tried to get through;

The stupid, stupid, thoughtless and hurtful and dangerous decisions I've made drinking.  They are too legion to count.
Besides driving (an obvious one);
The job out of law school I lost because of my drinking as a summer associate;
The boyfriend I loved so much that I cheated on (first time with alcohol) and then again when we were trying to get back together (again alcohol).  Even if we were not meant to be, and perhaps we weren't based on my actions, that was no way to handle it -- it didn't even feel like it was really me, it was like someone I didn't even know came in and (what I thought at the time) ruined my life and my happily ever after and the years of agony that gave me;
The Christmas dinner I barely prepared;
The embarrassing things I've said to other moms;
Starting fights (even on my honeymoon);
Throwing up the day before the day before my wedding all over our hotel room;
The couples dates I've ruined for my husband with his boss and others where I've gotten too drunk (not every time, but its happened).;
The First Aid concert I was too drunk to enjoy;

The way I just felt ashamed and tired;
The lack of clarity and thought process that allows me to question people and work instead of just blaming myself or just accepting it;
The way I started to wish for two days together where I didn't have any real responsibilities, one to drink, and one just to be hungover, like that would be some great kind of thing!

 The hope and wonder at what else I might accomplish if I can keep this up.

Yet even as I write this I think, but what if I can go back to just having one or two, and maybe more only on occasions where it is okay to sleep in and feel kind of bad.  But I have to ask myself, why would I want to, really?  Mostly, when I picture drinking, I don't miss the alone (which is ironic because that was really something I liked), I picture drinking now to fit in and on social occasions, or to amp up an already great occasion, like a sunset cruise.  But why would I need to do that?  Why not just be myself?

 I'm not going to decide now what my forever plan is or even m 90 day plan.  But I know this for sure -- I'm not drinking this January :)

Wednesday, January 15, 2020

Days 11-15

Just a quick entry to relate that the last few days have been great.  I've been having a minimum of cravings, feeling alert and confident, and even having moments of giddiness.  My sleep is good sometimes and getting better, but still not great most of the time.  But more of the time now, and definitely pretty much always better than it way.

My relationship with my kids, especially my son, feels richer and more nurturing, and I feel like a whole new world has opened up in so many other ways, just in having new interests, in thinking about new possibilities.    I mean to write a list too about all of the bad things related to my alcohol use, the regret and shame, the not so good feeling, the tiredness and preoccupation so I don't forget.  I definitely don't miss the hangovers and self-loathing and insecurity about my actions. There is so much more I could say about all of this.  That I want to say, but one thing being AF has not freed up as much as I had hoped is time.  At least not yet.  My 11.5 hour work day and caring for two kids does not leave me a lot of extra time to fill many days.  But I wanted to get something down today.  So I did.  I know there are challenges ahead but being alcohol free is great, and I feel really grateful.  The Alcohol Experiment private facebook group has really helped me too in sharing!  I highly recommend.

Saturday, January 11, 2020

Day 9 and 10

I have been really cranky the past two days.  Angry at work and on Day 9 especially, wanting a drink.  In a word, pretty crabby.  I think the enthusiasm of the first week wore off and reality set in.  It didn't help also that I just completed my first full week of back to work.  But you know what, its Day 11 morning as I write this, and I think it's passing.  The boredom and malaise and depression from feeling like I don't have many good friends and am realizing I don't like my job is something I am noting.  I did not try to "create" happiness by having wine on a bad day.  Instead, I wondered if perhaps I should think about making changes.  Instead, I decided to just live with it and see where it went.  Today is Saturday and I just went for a lovely kayak and felt almost giddy.  And last night I did not have the night sweats for the first time.  I am happy right now and taking it one day at a time.

Dry June -- Dry January turned into a drizzly then rainy spring - Now it's dry June!

So I'm back to it.  It's June 10, and a new day 10 for me.  I kept alcohol free for 44 days at the beginning of this year, from Janu...