Wednesday, January 1, 2020

Dry January Day 1

Today is the first day of my 30 day alcohol experiment.   I am excited to do it.  My motivation is that I just feel like alcohol is no longer my friend.  I am a 46 year old mom of two and work a little less than full time in New York City.  Recently, I have been feel physically and mentally weaker than I remember feeling previously after drinking, and I feel like it is interfering with my pursuing other interests, bonding with my kids, being fully present, making more friends, working to my potential, figuring out what I really want in life and making any necessary changes, and not to be forgotten, keeping fit and healthy.  I am ready.

That said, I go into this with some trepidation because I know it won't be easy.  Because I have not gone 30 days without any alcohol probably since high school.  I have been reading books like the The Naked Mind, The Sober Diaries, Mrs. D is Going Without and the Unexpected Joy of Being Sober and I can relate to many parts of them.  I really love them.  And in some ways I feel like once you hear the things in those books and relate to them, you can't unhear them.   I have been piecing together 2 and 3, maybe even 4 day dry periods lately and I feel so good by the end.  I am ready to go for more.  Maybe even to stop forever, or pretty much not drink any more.  I don't know, but I am ready for this.  More than ready.  I've told several people and I have vowed to keep a journal each day of how I am feeling and what I am thinking.  That journal is below.

DAY 1.
Well, today is New Year's day.  I am pretty badly hungover from New Year's Eve at which I did not even try to control my intake using the excuse it would be my last day, so why not?  In retrospect, it's interesting that that is how the night ended up because originally I thought about doing a sober NYE so I would have an amazing New Year's morning and a contemplative midnight.  Instead, I drank steadily with my husband and friends at our house, and then when the other couple left to go to another party I drank more with my husband.  We had our friend's son sleep over so at around 11:30pm I found myself on the couch trying to keep a rerun of the Mandolorian in focus as it was starting to look double.  I did not feel well at all.  We stayed up to midnight and then quickly went to bed.  Predictably, I felt awful this morning, and even now at 9:05pm, still feel pretty ugh.  My husband and son did the polar bear plunge today and I did go to watch, and was not tempted even a little tiny bit to drink beer with my husband and friend after.  Today has basically reinforced why I am doing this 31 days or more alcohol free and it has not been hard at all not to drink.  So in that way, it has been good.  In most other ways though I've felt hungover and bad, causing me to try to compensate by taking a walk with the kids and dog under that stars and watching Frozen and Toy Story 4 back to back on the couch with my 3 year old and 9 year old, making bacon, egg and cheese sandwiches for everyone for breakfast, going to the polar bear plunge to cheer on m boys.  Yes, I've done all this today to make up for my hangover, to pretend like I was normal, but how much more enjoyable would it have been to not have to struggle through the day, but truly enjoy it instead?  I am looking forward to tomorrow, feeling better and, I hope, starting to really detox.
That's all for tonight.

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