Friday, January 17, 2020

Dry January Days 16 and 17

Today has been a bit harder, and yesterday also.  There was never really a risk of me drinking but I can already feel myself rationalizing about how long I should do this dry January past January.

Like it (Al Cohol) is already trying to plant the seed of drinking again.  I realize what I need to do is make a list of all of the bad memories and thoughts I've had about alcohol.

How sadly true it is that almost all recreational activities just become about alcohol;
How you don't really even enjoy it after the first 30 minutes;
How just bone tired I felt, like I didn't even know how I was going to walk from the ferry to my car for the whole winter because it was just so awful and exhausting in the dark and the cold.  (I mean now its no bowl of cherries, but I just do it, it doesn't feel so exhausting and overwhelming);
The way I now find these spontaneous moments of joy joking with my kids;
The way I have the secret little well of confidence I am drawing on because I know I am fully myself and not trying to hide how much alcohol I drink or even just would want to drink, and I won't do anything stupid because I'm drinking.
The way I've not truly enjoyed and spent the time I should and kept all of my promises (no matter how small) to my 9-year old son;
The way I used to be proud when I didn't get tripped up on the words when I read my kids stories before bed because I was so buzzed.
 The way I've not pursued any interests after work;
All the wasted days so hungover that I just tried to get through;

The stupid, stupid, thoughtless and hurtful and dangerous decisions I've made drinking.  They are too legion to count.
Besides driving (an obvious one);
The job out of law school I lost because of my drinking as a summer associate;
The boyfriend I loved so much that I cheated on (first time with alcohol) and then again when we were trying to get back together (again alcohol).  Even if we were not meant to be, and perhaps we weren't based on my actions, that was no way to handle it -- it didn't even feel like it was really me, it was like someone I didn't even know came in and (what I thought at the time) ruined my life and my happily ever after and the years of agony that gave me;
The Christmas dinner I barely prepared;
The embarrassing things I've said to other moms;
Starting fights (even on my honeymoon);
Throwing up the day before the day before my wedding all over our hotel room;
The couples dates I've ruined for my husband with his boss and others where I've gotten too drunk (not every time, but its happened).;
The First Aid concert I was too drunk to enjoy;

The way I just felt ashamed and tired;
The lack of clarity and thought process that allows me to question people and work instead of just blaming myself or just accepting it;
The way I started to wish for two days together where I didn't have any real responsibilities, one to drink, and one just to be hungover, like that would be some great kind of thing!

 The hope and wonder at what else I might accomplish if I can keep this up.

Yet even as I write this I think, but what if I can go back to just having one or two, and maybe more only on occasions where it is okay to sleep in and feel kind of bad.  But I have to ask myself, why would I want to, really?  Mostly, when I picture drinking, I don't miss the alone (which is ironic because that was really something I liked), I picture drinking now to fit in and on social occasions, or to amp up an already great occasion, like a sunset cruise.  But why would I need to do that?  Why not just be myself?

 I'm not going to decide now what my forever plan is or even m 90 day plan.  But I know this for sure -- I'm not drinking this January :)

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Day 31

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